It’s the dead of winter, meaning it’s the season of commercially enhanced love, all-star games and of course – tedious award shows. The time where flavor of the month celebrities are showered with praise and accolades on a platform that allows them to thank God and their agent.
It seems like there is an award show for everything nowadays, so it got me thinking: is there any reason there can’t be a Castle awards? And thus, The First Annual Castillo Awards were born.
estimated value: $2800 wing wangs
For those of you who may be lost on why the name of my award show resembles the name of a Latin baseball player, “Castillo” is the Spanish translation of “Castle” –so it’s only semi-random.
I rarely watch awards shows myself, because everytime I do I end up hot and bothered at the injustice that takes place when the so-called experts of a given field get together and decide what they want to push on society. It seems like anyone can be an expert if they deem themselves one.
And thus, the theme of these Castillo Awards will be honoring the things I know nothing about. All the following winners are what I assume to be of the highest quality in its category, each of which I have, for one reason or another, never really experienced.
Enough talk, let’s get to the winners!
Best Entertainer -Danny Gans
Gans in his 'just chillin' pose
My first spiky-headed statuette goes to the late Danny Gans, who was claimed to be the entertainer of the year ten years running on huge billboards all over Las Vegas, yet my unwillingness to pay $200 for a single ticket has left me in the dark on exactly what he does. Unfortunately, Gans was a member of the epic class of dead celebrities of 2009, succumbing to an overdose of pain medication. I like to think he still entertains alongside Michael Jackson Sammy Davis Jr and Gregory Hines on the big stage upstairs, doing what exactly I don’t know, but then I never did in the first place so it all works out.
Best Movie - Citizen Kane
- I don’t know what’s going on here but it looks intense
I don’t know why, but me and this movie have never been in a room together. Yet I’ve always heard good things.
Best TV Show – “M*A*S*H”
- I usually stop paying attention right around the helicopter in the opening credits
My parents loved it and that seemed to be the unanimous opinion of their generation. And I trust their opinion, even though I can never pay attention through a full episode.
Best Music - The Rolling Stones
- Somewhere people are going crazy… and that somewhere is in like 1973
I apologize to their legions of fans, their sound just doesn’t really do it for me, so I tend to never listen to any Mick Jagger-led tunes. But I’m pretty sure they sent a good message and I’m in support of that. Not to mention they’ve sold something like nine trillion albums, so they must be doing something right.
Best Book – The Da Vinci Code
- something about a murder in Paris and Jesus’s alleged bastard child involving a cryptic message in the Mona Lisa and there’s a pentacle involved… this is making me sound really stupid, isn’t?
I heard the movie is outstanding, but only if you have read the book. And if you do take the time to read the book, you will feel way more intelligent, which is always beneficial to one’s cultural cognizance. I have done neither of these things.
Best sport - Cricket
- How does this not look awesome??
I don’t really understand it, which is saying something considering I’ve actually taken the time to try to figure it out. But the British can’t get enough of it; they eat that cricket shit right up like crumpets.
Best food - Caviar
- is that what caviar looks like?
It’s expensive, right? At least it sounds expensive … I don’t even really know, but it sounds classy enough to take home a Castillo on this occasion.
Best pet - Dog or a Jaguar
- This is my doguar, Clifton, he’s a loopy little bastard
I actually never had a dog growing up, but I am a firm believer that they give the companionship a young kid needs in life. But let’s turn it up a notch because these are the Castillo’s, and Castillo’s honor the extraordinary. Think about how cool it would be to say, “I’m going to go feed my pet jaguar.” Yeah, that would be awesome.
Best car - Motorcycle
If you buy this motorcycle it comes standard with two chicks and a big dude to back you up
If you can just sack up and get over the death-defying stunt you are attempting the entire time you’re riding, you can speed through traffic paying an eighth of what every large vehicle you pass is paying for gas. Plus, I would look like a total badass.
~Castle
