By Rebecca Schweitzer

So when I saw that our dear Ryan fancied himself the observant sort with that nice little ‘Hall of Females’ ditty he recently put up, I figured it was only fair to offer a rebuttal piece on some of the standard characters guys tend to portray.  Gentlemen, if you don’t find yourself nestled cozily into one category, don’t fret.  You may be a little of a few combined.  Or, maybe you are like, a softcore version of one.  That’s cool too, it just means you need to do more reps and up your protein intake, probably. 

Forever Frat Boy

This guy’s life was complete when he realized fraternity life afforded him an easy excuse to dick around Van-Wilder style for 8 good solid years of college life. Plus, frat guys age slower than their sorority girl counterparts, so he assumes pushing 27 will still entitle him to dating the freshest of the freshmen girls 10 years his junior. Long after his college days of intramural rumbles and fraternity row throw-downs are done he still passionately relives the good old days with a wistful, glassy-eyed “I coulda been a contender!” speech to the grocery store clerk, cocktail server and virtually anyone else who holds his gaze long enough to appear interested.

What you can expect to hear:

“Hey bro! Yo, bro! What’re you staring at bro? You don’t wanna f*ck with this shit, son. I double majored in Pounding Broads and Brews, bro. I AM the gunshow.”

His Profile Pic:

A rousing shot of him and his boys standing together, grinning in their Sunday finest (read: prom-inspired Winter Formal gear) throwing up various hand gestures, most predominately The Shocker.  Caption reads “epic night with my boys.”

Mr. Notice Me

This guy is exceptionally well versed in ONLY the gym equipment located in front of the mirrors or near the chick-populated elliptical machines. Get a good look ladies, he’s wearing a cut off tee and talking sans volume control to his buddies about the chick he ‘totally dominated’ last night. Note that this guy also has hybrid breeds:

“The One-Upper” is constantly talking over you to let you know he already went to Europe last year with his family and they totally go every year now. What’s that? You’re excited to go skydiving next week? He’s an instructor and has logged over 300 hours already. So yeah, cool.

“Big Truck-Little Dick” seems to always manage to drop his cash-stuffed wallet right in front of you, or take ‘really important business calls’ over dinner, talking about the “sick new boat” he just got for his “sick-ass havasu trip” with his celebrity pornstar friends. (In some cases, Mr. Notice Me is also guilty of the following: creepily sculpted eyebrows, shaved patterns into his hair, guyliner.)

What you can expect to hear:

“Oh shit I think I accidentally left my iPhone right next to my backup Blackberry next to my Ed Hardy sunglasses in the center console of my Dub Edition Escalade rollin’ on 22’s.  No one’s gonna mess with my sh*t though, I got friends in high places.”

His Profile Pic:

His head looking miniature next to the silicon stacked on the two blonde River/Hollywood/Vegas/MySpace skank-models that he paid in booze to stand on each arm for the shot.  Caption reads: “Poppin’ bottles and f*cking models”

Mr. Chicks Dig Assholes

Insecurities seep from the pores of this devil-may-care kind of dude. A sheep in wolf’s clothing, this predator has major Mommy issues and instead of therapy he opts for the always healthy ‘drink Jack and drunkenly piss in public to cure what ails you’ approach.  You can find him in his natural habitat, lurking at beach city bartops and club dance floors, feeding you backhanded compliments like, “Wow, you are better looking than like, 60 percent of the chicks in here.” And then when you don’t properly “appreciate” his charm, his fragile ego senses danger and he swiftly shifts gears into full insult attack mode. That’s ok; you were probably a dirty-ass slut anyway.

What you can expect to hear:

“That’s cool, walk away baby. But just know I’m the best thing that could’ve happened to you tonight…Dude, was that chick an insecure bitch or what??”

Profile Pic:

Angled car shot taken from his phone of him bandana and sunglasses-clad, looking up at the camera in an attempt at a male version of the female pout.  Caption reads: “Don’t u wish ur boyfriend was hot like me?”

Johnny Failure to Launch

This guy tries to get away with referring to his parents as his ‘roommates,’ and insists that his mother “lives for doing his laundry.” Enlightened, aren’t we? Don’t worry, girls, this living sitch is just a temporary deal until he ‘gets everything all lined up’ with his well-crafted ‘career plans and sh*t.’ But hey, at least he’s got a nice car because his parents bought it for him after he crashed a few others that they bought before that. Stick it out, ladies, and you can be the proud owner of a bouncing baby man-child.

What you can expect to hear:

“I would invite you in, but my Dad is kinda waiting up. But hey, my mom is making me three-cheese lasagna tomorrow if you wanna come by tomorrow, though?  It’s my favorite, and it’s totally bomb.”

Profile Pic:

Him looking deceivingly cute playing in the grass with a sweet little puppy. Beware, the puppy is his kid sister’s, and the grass is in his parent’s backyard…where he often is…because he lives at home…still.

Mr. My Team Completes Me

Don’t dare speak one ill word toward this guy’s precious, highly-coveted sports team. Never mind that they haven’t taken a title in like 15 years, he’s been following them since the womb because his dad wore a Lion on his shirt one time when they went to the park…once. Plus, being into the underdog is sooo much more original than the bandwagon team. Just because his idolatry of random dudes he will never ever meet or be is bordering on obsessive compulsive and highly delusional, doesn’t mean he couldn’t squeeze in like, 15 minutes in between games to hang out for a bit.

Note: a hybrid option of this category involves switching out sports for video/computer games in this scenario. The worst offenders being WOWers, and the creepiest ones; LARPers. (If you arent familiar with these acronyms, they stand for ‘World of Warcraft’ and ‘Live Action Role Play.’ Girls may not know this breed too well because these guys never get any interaction with females.)

What you can expect to hear:

Sports analogy is this guy’s go-to communication tool, and you can be sure he’s yelling “KOBE!” every time he throws anything anywhere, regardless of if he makes it in or not.

Profile Pic:

Either him with his face painted his team’s colors or in an outfit resembling the mascot (God help you if he’s a Raider’s fan), or just a picture of his team logo. Caption reads: “Go !!”

Nice Guy McGripes About It

This dude is always reminding you that he is so good-guy sweet and kind, he puts cuddly kittens to shame. But poor sad-sap him, because, as he laments over and over, he’s always the type that gets walked on and left trampled in the mud. Women never want him after, like, a month and he just can’t ever imagine why. He says he’s always getting the “it’s not you, it’s me” speech, damnit.  Which is so weird because he seems to have such a sparkling sense of confidence and self worth—is there any chance it’s him? Nah, gotta be the stuck up bitches.

What you can expect to hear:

“Nice guys finish last.  Seriously they do. I should just be an asshole, but I’m not.  It just sucks so bad being such a great, awesome nice guy that everyone always ends up dicking over.  Because that’s me, a super nice guy.  Did I mention I’m nice???”

Profile Pic:

A cropped closeup of his face, because it used to be a picture of him and his stupid, evil cheating bitch ex. Who dicked him over because he’s so nice, remember?? Caption reads: “Me in Hawaii (went with my whore of an ex)”

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