Over 108,000 fans strong packed in Cowboy Stadium, stars were everywhere, rockets were flying over head, centered around a stage that had more lights and effects than a Kanye West concert; The All-Star Game had hit Dallas, and it was going to be an event to never forget.  Mavericks owner Mark Cuban did everything he could to make it the most sensational event imaginable, he even claimed it was going to make “The Super Bowl look like a Bar Mitzvah.”

At some point in the 2nd half, fans noticed there was actually a court under that massive screen

Everything was set to make the record-setting weekend the show that he promised it would be, but by the end of the weekend we learned two important things: It doesn’t matter how great a show is set up if the performers don’t perform.  And Charles Barkley is an idiot.

It began with a game of H.O.R.S.E.  Yes, the same game you played on the play-ground with your buddies when you have an odd number of friends to play with, and didn’t feel like playing 21.  You might be saying “That was fun, but wouldn’t that be an incredibly boring thing to watch on television?”  And you’d be completely right.  The participants featured Kevin Durant, Rajon Rondo and Omri Casspi, and it immediately became apparent that this might be a long thirty minutes as it seemed that Durant and Rondo had left their personality at home, not even cracking a smile once the entire game, leaving Omri Casspi to carry the weight of entertainment.  The last part of that sentence says so much about everything that I don’t really even need to continue.  After 30+ minutes of slow, tedious, predictable shot attempts with nothing more exciting going in than a long three to capture a buzz, the game was finally decided on a sudden death shoot-out in the interest of time because nobody could actually win.  So not only did they decide to televise a competitive game of H.O.R.S.E, but they had to change the rules just to put the painful experience out of it’s misery.

Then it was time for the skills competition, which Steve Nash won for the second time, although his intro pose was more entertaining than any of the players running through the standard obstacle course.  Later we got the 3-point shoot-out, Paul Pierce came out on top and proceeded with a celebration that was even more over-the-top than his wheel chair exit in game 1 of the 2008 NBA Finals.

Then there was the the dunk contest, a show that sets the tone for the entire weekend   Nothing gets people more pumped than a freakishly athletic rim rocker that bends the creative juices to a whole new level.  Everybody loves a good slam dunk, and at NBA All-Star weekend we get to see the best in the world display their abilities at the graceful art of athleticism known as the slam dunk.  Unfortunately, this dunk contest just proved that the bright spotlight of All-Star weekend is enough to daze even the most dynamic athletes into unimpressive enterprise.  A lack of creativity and energy combined with just about every player needing multiple tries at their so-so dunks resulted in a less-than-spectacular show that didn’t provide anything worth leaving your seat for.  Dunk competitions in the playgrounds of Rucker Park put these guys to shame.  At the end of the night, Nate Robinson took his third slam dunk title after bringing out the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders to cheer him on, although he didn’t have the balls to use them for any dunk in particular, they were literally just there to shake their pom-poms and look pretty.  Robinson wasn’t spectacular, in fact it was probably his least impressive performance yet, but his showmanship and ability to work the crowd was enough to grab the title.  I give props where it’s due, and claiming his third slam dunk championship is inspiring, and he needs this too because he’s about a year or two away from being out of the league all together.  However, it needs to be said that when a 5′9 guy is building a dynasty in the NBA’s slam dunk contest, something needs to change.

Then, it was finally time for the All-Star game itself, which was almost lost in the three million square foot stadium.  Between Usher dancing around in his pectoral sculpted plastic chest plate, the game’s starters rising from under the stage in the pyrotechnic-filled introductions and Shakira’s very eye-friendly half-time performance, it was almost forgotten there was a game to be played.

Oh yeah... basketball happened too

As the game played out it was pretty standard All-Star ball, lot’s of dunks, very little defense, which is always fun to watch, to a degree.  After 47 minutes of lazy defense and easy paths to hoop, the two squads actually found themselves tied with under 20 seconds to go.  Sensing that the weekend might actually come to an exciting conclusion, the fans actually came to life for the first time of the night.  Which by the way, it is amazing that 108,713 fans were barely even heard until the final minute of the game, but perhaps that sums up the entire weekend better than anything.  Would we get the exciting finish we were waiting for?  In a word- no.  Instead we got three fouls within 15 seconds, including an intentional one from Deron Williams on Dwyane Wade with 17 seconds to play in a tie game, officially making Williams the LVP (Least Valuable Player) to go along with his five turn-overs.  The game was decided in the spectacular fashion of free throws.  In the final possession, the West had a shot to win when Carmello Anthony let everyone down one more time, heaving up a long range shot that just barely drew iron, East win, 141-139.

The weekend was also Charles Barkley’s opportunity to showcase that he is officially the stupidest TV personality in sports.  Now I like Charles, I’ve always found his slow-processed speech and un-filtered thoughts to be rather amusing, but it’s gotten out of hand, and something has to be done.

*insert asinine Charles Barkley statement here*

Barkley says whatever is on his mind and often times it is so absurdly moronic that the other broadcasters are literally at a loss for words and continue on as though he never spoke.  The problem is, he did speak, and what he said was probably incredibly offensive to anyone who attempted to make sense of it.  Some of his gems of the week included: “Kevin McHale is rolling over in his grave right now” after Reggie Miller claimed Paul Pierce was a top-5 Celtic of all-time.  Kevin McHale is actually still very alive and was actually working this weekend as a correspondent for TNT.  Meaning Chuck was too brain dead to realize his co-worker is still alive or he doesn’t understand the meaning  of the term ‘rolling over in his grave’ either way, we’re all stupider for having listened to it.

He later stated “That clearly shows the fans don’t know anything,” in reference to the fans vote of Kobe Bryant as the NBA player of the decade with Lebron James as the runner-up.  There you go Charles, attack the fans that were just forced to listen to your senseless commentary all weekend in between your tired Dr Seuss-like rhymed Taco Bell ads displayed at every single commercial break.

America loves Charles much for the same reason it loved Mitch Hedberg: He makes indiscriminate observations that can be insulting yet amusing, but it’s ok because we’re pretty sure he’s a little retarded.  The difference is, Hedberg was a guy on stage with a microphone meant to make everyone laugh, Barkley has a microphone and is supposed to be the professional voice of color commentary.  His version of color commentary is offensively ripping any player, coach, personnel or fan that may be subject of a camera shot, nobody is safe from his unfiltered analysis.  If he ever used his basketball expertise to break down a scenario, I would understand the concept behind giving him so much TV time.  But Charles never does this, and instead methodically dismantles any form of professionalism the TNT broadcast team has, dragging down every other co-anchor in the process.

Overall, the All-Star weekend wasn’t a total disaster.  The showmanship of the enormous spectacle was enough to make it memorable on appearance alone, the only problem was that was literally all anybody could remember from the whole weekend.  At the end of the night when TNT’s Ernie Johnson asked each analyst to recount their favorite memory from the weekend they all basically said “I liked how everything was so big” in a round about way.  The weekend left us with nothing to remember in terms of basketball, it was ultimately mediocre ball overshadowed by the extravaganza of the stage they performed on, proving it doesn’t matter how much you prepare a show to blow everyone away, if the performers don’t show up – it really doesn’t matter.

~Castle